Put your number TWO's in the air!

I caught myself being a bitch today.

Like I know I can be a bitch on purpose, but today... I caught myself being a bitch 3 separate times, as if it was just my personality AND IT SCARED ME! I stopped and thought... am I really just a bitch all the time... and so much so, that I don't even realize it anymore?? Like, it is happening without me even trying! OR, are people around me just purposely trying to do stupid shit and make me mad? I literally cannot tell today! I am not sure what the deal is, but what I can say, is I noticed my other people's attitudes and mine and I was quicker to correct their attitude than I was to correct mine. Almost as if I was subconsciously telling myself that it is OK to continue my attitude, but there isn't a chance in hell that anyone else gets to be an asshole!

What is wrong with me? Has that ever happened to you? I made a promise to myself to be more aware of the advice I was dishing out and freely offering up to people... and through that, I guess I have been able to teach myself to be aware of other parts my character too. I wasn't prepared for that! But seriously...

WHO KEEPS SHUTTING MY OFFICE DOOR???

Whoever you are, STOP IT!

So, what is a girl supposed to do now? Self-assess I guess. Except, I don't really need to take too long to do that because I am FULLY aware of what is happening around me in my life that brought on today's reactions. BUT, some people really did deserve the attitude, I promise! Don't come at me and not expect some sort of response... I don't work like that and today I'm not taking it either.

The things I have going on in my life; good, bad or indifferent, aren't going away anytime soon so I need to know what is triggering my inner-bitch... I must figure out how to control her! The issue I had with today is, is that I didn't realize I was being a bitch until after the fact... so I need to figure out how to recognize that emotion before I open my mouth, look at someone, breath, blink, sigh, purse my lips or squint my eyes into that "are you fucking kidding me" look. Because for the most part, people don't deserve my attitude... some yes... but most do not. I know that everyone has their days with their own personal issues, so it isn't fair to snap at people, you never know what they are going through. As I write that, that is exactly how I feel about myself though. Like, HELLO PEOPLE you don't know what I have going on either so how about you think about how you're talking or responding to me as well!

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I am going to be selfish about that for a few days or maybe even a couple of weeks! If I am going to be cognitive about what you may or may not have going on, I am going to treat you the way you're treating me. You want my help? Then act like it instead of acting like an asshole while asking for my help! You think something isn't working right, yet when I ask for a way that you think I could make it better and you don't have an answer? DON'T TALK TO ME UNTIL YOU HAVE A TANGIBLE SOLUTION otherwise you're just complaining to me and I don't want to hear it and you're going to know it because ain't nobody got time for that!

So, maybe by me being more aware of how I respond over the next couple of days, will help me find that trigger that brings that inner-bitch right to the surface ready to attack the first sorry victim! And then, when I have decided that I am done collecting data, hopefully I will have learned a thing or two about controlling my reactions and emotions. Now, I am not saying that I am going to go complete bitch mode on people, what I am saying is that I am going to take time to treat people the way they treat me and see where it takes me. I am going to be aware of my facial movements through all of this too, because the point of this isn't to be a raging psychopath and make people afraid to even talk to me because of my mean side-eye, but the point is to learn about myself.

We all have things going on in life... I have SO MUCH going on and so many amazing things that I am working on and towards with my family, but I am allowed to have a day or two where I want to put my middle finger in everyone's face.

I am human, WE are human! But this human over here needs to make sure she is being a good one! So, I hope my little experiment plays out well for me and that I learn to turn whatever is happening to make me respond like a complete snot, into something positive.

So, if you have ever encountered this with yourself... I WELCOME THE ADVICE! I'll get back to you in a week and let you know what I find out about myself... cheers to the journey and wish me luck that I don't actually put my middle finger in someone face!